Relationships, sex|December 2, 2009 6:40 pm

Cheaters on Cheating: Unfaithful Men on Why Men Cheat



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infidlity 199x300 Cheaters on Cheating: Unfaithful Men on Why Men CheatInfidelity — or  rather transgressions – has been the buzz word of the day, with “transgressions” listed on the top searched words on Google and Why Men Cheat is the #1 topic on Twitter. As more news breaks about Tiger Woods’ affairs adding to news about transgressions on the part of other high-profile men, women everywhere are asking: why do men cheat?

We got an expert’s take on why stats show that 1 in 3 men cheat earlier, and this time we’re going straight to the source: the men who cheat. We talked to three married guys who admit to having extra-marital affairs and we got their reasons for why men cheat:

mystman1 93x85 Cheaters on Cheating: Unfaithful Men on Why Men CheatCheater #1: “I had gotten to a point in my relationship where I felt there was a void. The void is not the reason I cheated. But it was a justification. The simple reason was because I met someone I clicked with and happened to be intensely attracted to. And when you don’t have the obstacle of that voice in your head telling you ‘my partner is so wonderful to me and I could never justify doing this,’ then things proceed just as if you were never married.”

mystman 93x85 Cheaters on Cheating: Unfaithful Men on Why Men CheatCheater #2: “Beginning at a young age, the popularity of a man in school, work or social situations is often driven by his ability to hook up with members of the opposite sex. With few exceptions, those males become the “alpha male” in their social groups. While marriage changes a lot of things, it most changes the male’s ability to pursue that which previously played such a part in defining him. He can pretty much pursue (to some degree) everything else that was a part of his pre-married life, such as sports, friends, recreation, hobbies, career, etc. But the one thing that comes to a screeching halt is the pursuit of females. So in that sense, a big part of the essence of manhood dies once he is married. An affair, if nothing else, lets a man feel that raw essence of being MALE. That is why it is so hard for a man to say no to an affair. It makes him feel alive, even if he feels like crap afterwards.”

mystman2 93x85 Cheaters on Cheating: Unfaithful Men on Why Men Cheat“So many men cheat because it makes them feel fulfilled on several levels. Maybe they feel that their partner doesn’t appreciate them as much as they used to, maybe they no longer feel a spark, maybe they’ve lost the connection with their partner. Of course, the excitement of sex with someone new is a given. An affair is like jumping a dead battery. It gives a man that jolt of electricity that makes him feel like a man. The pursuit, the excitement, the sexual gratification – all of that is hard to pass up once the opportunity presents itself. I think another important factor is that many men can separate love from sex, which is the critical gateway one must cross in order for this process to begin at all. Maybe it doesn’t end up being ‘just sex’ but to make that first moral leap, the man needs to think of it that way.”

So ladies, what do you think about these men and their reasoning?

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Author: Lolita Carrico is the founder of the Gloss Network for Women. Lolita has been featured as an expert on hundreds of media outlets like Redbook, Parents, The Washington Post, ABC News and FOX News, discussing topics such as parenting, relationships, career and balancing it all. Follow her on Twitter @lolita
  • woman who knows better

    All of these men are full of cr*p except for the one who said that the reason boys, whoops, I mean “men” cheat is because it makes them fulfilled. These “men” aren’t completely happy with themselves and the lives they have created for themselves, they act like selfish five year old and do what makes THEM happy, rather than actually considering the partner that they have shared their life with and what such an action will actually do to them. Selfish little boys who have to get their way no matter what.

  • Common man…..

    I think these answers are all bullshit too. If you don’t want to be with the person.. grow some balls and break up. And if you acted on impulse and married someone that isn’t right for you.. be fair and be honest tell them either fix it or break up. The problem is most men don’t like to talk about their feelings. Instead they take the easy selfish way out.. not giving their partner the opportunity to work on their marriage.. they commit adultery. Its such childish thing to do..

  • Alec

    Not once in my 20 year marriage did I cheat on my ex-wife (I divorced her). She, on the other hand, gave me 2 STDs and had 4 abortions of other men’s children (I had a vasectomy after the birth of our son – 2 years into the marriage). And while I was upset at the time, I’ve actually come around to my ex’s way of thinking – in a way. Men cheat for the same reason women cheat. Sexual urges are a natural phenomenon. Marriage, on the other hand, is the result of societal and religious pressures to “couple up.” Even animals known to “mate for life” have been known to cheat on occasion. And every one of us is an animal.

  • The Other Woman

    Cheater #1 was the most honest. I just ended a 5 month sexual relationship with a man I’ve known for years. It started when I called and invited him to dinner. He didn’t tell me he was in a serious relationship until we had already been sexual. Once I found out, I knew from the past that he needed more attention than he was getting from his girlfriend. Ultimately, he wouldn’t end it with her, so I ended it with him. But, the problems he has with her are still there and I’m sure he will cheat again unless they address their problems. He hasn’t been faithful to anyone since his first marraige ended 21 years ago. Why would he change now?

  • rob

    I am a 40 year old male. I’ve been through all kinds of relationships.One relationship I was only recently into was with a woman who was extremely respectful, non possessive and open minded. We bumped into an X girlfriend of mine and ended up having a wonderful night together. She had recently ended a monogomous relationship and was lonely.
    Yes, the three of us enjoyed each other physically that evening and were all smiles and laughing for breakfast.
    People are not property…nobody belongs to anybody.
    What business is it of anyone if someone else wants to share something with another.
    Our culture’s obsessiveness with the concept of property has gone too far…from gene sequences to art to, apparently, according to today’s topic, other people.
    What will bring people to a shocking, screeching halt on this one is researching the percentage of people who have biological fathers other than the ones they believed to be..(thanks to DNA testing)…
    Why not accept nature as it is.

    • RealityChk

      Rob, your missing the point. I have no problem with you having an open relationship as long as everyone you have a relationship with understands that. When you get married you are engaging in a social and legal contract to adhere to certain behavior. If you don’t believe in it, then don’t do it, if you don’t think you can follow the social contract, then don’t get married. Its really simple. By cheating on someone who believes you are in a monogamous relationship you betray their trust and endanger their health. As long as everyone involved knows the truth I have no problem with whatever type of relationship anyone wants to engage in.

  • birdy

    it’s also human nature to want things and be tempted to steal them but we dont because its not right. higher thinking is what separates us from the animals. i think it’s hilarious when people will say they’re just animals when excusing their poor behavior but wont blink twice at the mistreatment of animals because tehy’re just animals.

    • http://gloss erica

      you are right !!
      we might be animals but we have something that animal’s can’t have and that’s being able learn more and more and to know what is the right thing to do ! we can think is wait I’m doing ? going to hurt someone else, and how would it make me feel if someone would do the same to me !! we know better !!
      all cheaters don’t care about any but themselves!! because if they did care then they would never do it !! they all can come up with any lame crap to make themselves feel better but we all know and they know down its crap!!
      DO TO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT DONE TO YOU !!!

  • Sarah

    I think the problem is that people who don’t want to be married (at all or at least not yet) keep getting married.

  • Essie

    “Cheating” – infidelity, betrayal, unfaithfulness, whatever you want to call it – has nothing to do with sex. All of this – plus a degradation of trust and intimacy (if such was ever really there to begin with) between the original partners (usually both ways) – all of this has been “accomplished” long before sex with others even becomes a part of the context. Affairs are merely one of many symptoms. That (grossly generalizing) men exhibit this particular symptom more often than women (though probably not by as much as common “wisdom” idealizes), is a completely different discussion. Lasting, truly trustful and intimate relationships (acknowledging that sex is merely one way of expressing trust and intimacy, or CAN be), requires a commitment to oneself – to constant vigilance over oneself that few people really understand or appreciate.

  • daphne

    If ‘fidelity’ were easy.. if men and women never felt physical attraction for strangers after their weddings.. then marriage vows (or commitment vows) would not mean anything. I don’t doubt that a man (or woman) may feel desire for another during their lifetimes! But putting another’s person’s feelings first- putting loyalty to one another first, is a choice. A choice not to hurt your life partner. A choice to act as if their happiness is more important to you- than satisfying a temporary urge. It’s that simple.. simple but not ‘easy’.

  • Hurtfornoreason

    Men cheat because they want to. They are selfish and they don’t us their mind, they us their ****. What about the hard working women with their own careers and paying all the bills and they man cheats. We do what we want to do in life and we have chooses in life and we pick the wrong ones and we take chances in life that sometimes the wrong ones. Sign Hurt for no reason. But my hurt has made me a strong women. Hold your head up women

  • WontFallForItAnymore

    You arrogant, self-righteous women totally disgust me. You use sex as a manipulation tool and as a weapon and then vehemently deny that you do. It makes me nauseous. What makes me even more nauseous is that you holier-than-thou women cheat, too–don’t you dare for one second sit there on you high horses and tell me that women never cheat. That you women cheat -less- than us men is completely irrelevant. A cheater is a cheater.

    You conniving bi*ches know -exactly- what you’re doing, too. Woman are generally taught at a young age that they can get whatever they want through sexual manipulation. You withhold sex from us to manipulate us into bending to your will, and then you have the unmitigated gall to be SURPRISED AND HURT when we go out and cheat! How dare you!!!

  • WontFallForItAnymore

    @Hurtfornoreason: Your pseudonym is total bullsh*t. You weren’t hurt for no reason. Believe me, sweetheart, there was a reason. Maybe if you took your head out of your a$$ and actually -listened- to the needs of your man, you may figured out what that reason was–and he may have been would be less likely to cheat on you. But that though probably never crossed your mind, did it?

    No, like most self-righteous women, you carry stubbornly along, blithely and purposefully ignorant of the role -you- had to play in your cheating significant other’s infidelity–and carrying around your pain, wearing it proudly on your sleeve like some obscene badge for all to see so you can point at it and say “Boo hoo hoo! Look at what that mean old cheating bast*rd did to me! Poor me!”

    Of course, in -your- mind, it’s always the -man’s- fault, isn’t it? It’s always the big, bad, ugly man who always does all the victimizing, isn’t it?

    If you’re looking for the “elusive” answers as to why men cheat, ladies, I suggest you start by looking in a mirror.

  • Pingback: Why Men Cheat: Experts and Cheaters Weigh In | fitGLOSS :: Health. Fitness. Wellness. Sex.

  • Chris Louie

    Look, men were wired biologically to having roving eyes. For some men SEX is like going to the gym, it does not have to mean something or be love or involve their hearts. I also think if men expressed their unhappiness or happiness with their partner about sex and had a willing and listening partner, who remembered that they were partners and not just a mother or a executive or whatever the other things that defined them are..then it probably wont happen. pull on a pair of mom jeans and forget about your partner, then dont be surprised. MEN want sex, they think about it 24/7. If they aren’t they are probably having sex somewhere else.

  • amescakes

    Wow! won’tfallforitanymore, you are a really sad hurt little man, aren’t you? I was reading your post and thinking…serial killer? I hope you are not in the game of dating cause if so someone needs to warn all the women out there. If you were cheated on, I think I know why. Verbally abusive much? Perhaps your situation was unique and not that all women are cheating B**ch’s. My advise to you is, if you do ever plan on getting into a happy healthy relationship with a woman is to get over what happened to you and move forward. No women is going to love you with all that hate inside. And there is NO way you can love her. Good luck!

  • kirchner

    A cheater is self-centered – usually complaining about how the spouse doesn’t fulfill him/her. But each cheater should ask “do I fulfill my spouse?” It’s a matter of empathy and putting the other person first. It’s much more likely that the cheater who complains about not getting enough attention DOES NOT him/herself GIVE attention. Instead of acting like pouting children who doesn’t get their way, cheaters should take a good look at themselves and ask what they are contributing to the marriage (and I don’t mean just money) instead of seeing themselves as “victims”. They should grow up and take responsibility for their shortcomings.

  • Jack Armstrong

    1) Dopamine. Why do you think they CALL it dopamine?

    2) Anything powerful enough to make a man get married in the first place (the sex drive, twisted and diverted by society for its own purposes into marriage vows), is powerful enough to prompt him to enjoy sex with someone other than his wife.

    3) Orgasm feels better than smugness.

    4) Sex for the first time with someone is in this way tangibly better than sex with a regular partner: there are no expectations. Therefor one has greater freedom to do all those special little things that your partner is too inhibited to do with you.

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