Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas night for allegedly threatening and shoving his wife, Brooke Mueller. For those of us who keep up with celebrity news, this should come of no surprise. Charlie Sheen has been in the media spotlight several times for allegations and charges of domestic violence.
The question this raises for many of us is this: If a man abuses a woman in one relationship, will this keep repeating itself, or can it really just be a one-time occurrence? We all learned pretty early on that history has a tendency of repeating itself, so wouldn’t it seem obvious to a woman like Brooke Mueller that she would be putting herself at risk? For that matter, let’s pose an even more interesting question… Why do women choose to date or marry men that have a history of abusive behavior?
Women, by nature, are nurturers. We believe that we can “fix” people. Knowing that a man was abusive in another relationship, or even a cheater, actually tends to lure many women in.
“I know he did those things to her, but he won’t do that to me…”
This fantasy serves the woman with low self esteem. Although the statement alludes to a woman with confidence, it is actually quite the opposite. The woman with low self esteem NEEDS the validation that she is special and she seeks that validation by being the one that is treated differently. She truly believes that if she does everything “right” and makes the man happy he won’t repeat this behavior anymore.
The reality is that an aggressor can’t be controlled by the behaviors of another person. In simple terms, you can be the most wonderful, caring woman in the world, but that isn’t going to cure a man of his need to control you or to cheat. His issues stem from a time way before you existed in his life, therefore have nothing to do with you.
I am not implying that in every case the saying “once an abuser/cheater always an abuser/cheater” is true. There are cases where a person acts out as a direct response to an extremely stressful situation, as a one-time offense, completely out of character. However, when examining someone such as Charlie Sheen, where there is a history of domestic abuse in several relationships as well as a history of drug abuse, it is more than likely that this behavior will continue to repeat itself unless he were to willingly engage in long term professional counseling. Anyone can change, but they have to want it and be fully committed to it on a consistent basis. And although I’m sure you have all heard this before, I will say it anyway…We can only control and change ourselves, no one else!
So how do you know if you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or may have the tendency to become abusive? Here are a few simple signs:
The Need To Control: This behavior manifests itself in several forms. It can be a tendency for the man you are with to “put you down” or make you feel inadequate. He needs to always have the one up on you and belittles you so you feel that you need him and his approval.
Anger Outbursts: Abuse comes in many forms. If he frequently yells, screams, and curses at you in a manner that depicts little self control then yes, this can lead to physically abusive behavior should his stress level heighten for some reason. His outbursts and temper tantrums do indicate a lack of self control and a need to use anger and aggression to control a situation.
History: Play close attention to history. If he has been abusive in other relationships then yes, it is possible and even likely that he will strike again. His inability to control his rage and his need to control will exist regardless of your behavior. Remember, it’s not about you…it’s about him.
Impulsive Behavior: If he engages in risky, self destructive behavior such as excessive drinking, drug use, or excessive gambling, this does indicate a lack of self control. If he is abusive toward himself then it is possible, although not inevitable, that he can become abusive toward you.
Remember, these are signs that abuse may be possible, not necessarily an indication that abuse in imminent. However, if you are concerned don’t be afraid to seek counseling and evaluate whether it may be beneficial to discuss these concerns with your partner and engage in therapy together.
About the Author
Stacy Schwed, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in her own practice, and has been working with parents and families for over twelve years. Stacy specializes in parenting, anxiety, depression, marriage/family counseling, and women’s issues. Stacy is also the founder and CEO of www.parentsrpeople.com, a new social networking website for parents which provides emotional support and the opportunity to share, vent and socialize with other parents as well as the professionals that can help. Stacy supports parents and families in the challenges that they face everyday in the role of parenting and relationships, while encouraging parents to nurture their needs as well. As a parent as well as an individual, it is imperative to find a balance with the many hats that we must wear everyday. Stacy teaches parents to live by the motto that “you need to be a healthy person to be a healthy parent!”
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