A few months ago, when the Tiger Woods scandal first broke, we spoke to experts about why so many high-profile men — and even ‘regular’ men — seem to cheat. At the time, we found that 1 in 3 men in a serious relationship will cheat on their spouse or significant other, compared to 1 in 10 women.
With the most recent news about “America’s Sweetheart” Sandra Bullock being blindsided by her cheating husband, Jesse James, we thought we’d revisit some past research we did on the subject — by speaking to both experts on why men cheat and, actual cheaters on why they are unfaithful.
First, for An Expert’s Insight Into Why Men Cheat, we spoke to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, an author and director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH)-funded Early Years of Marriage Project, the longest-running study of married couples.
Her take on why men cheat? She pointed to three factors:
- Not enough satisfying sex. Having satisfying sex–not the same as frequent sex, she notes–with their wife is extremely important to men. Without it, they become extremely discontent in the marriage.
- Not enough affective affirmation. Men become extremely distressed and unhappy in their marriages when they don’t get enough attention from or feel unnoticed by their wives. This is called “affective affirmation”–and men need it far more than women do…because women get it regularly from people other than their spouse. Affective affirmation consists of compliments, support, encouragement, and subtle (nonsexual) rewards, such as tender physical endearments like a kiss or hand squeeze.
- Poor communication. When couples haven’t developed healthy ways to share information and concerns, conflict can build up, along with negative feelings such as resentment, mistrust, hurt, and anger. For both men and women, Dr. Orbuch’s study found that establishing patterns for dealing with conflict and for staying in tune with each other’s inner life was key to relationship longevity and fidelity. Why? Because communication makes two people feel like they’re “in this together”–the antithesis to cheating.
Then, we spoke to three men who admit to cheating on their wives or girlfriends on their reasoning. Read their reasons here and weigh in with your take on the hot topic.