Learning From Lost Loves

Break ups suck. Even the most amicable of break ups can leave you feeling hurt, confused and send you running for the chocolate ice cream. But like chirpy little kids on Glee singing “Don’t Stop Believing,” our hearts just keep going back for more.

Douglas LaBier, Director of the Center for Progressive Development, thinks there’s a fly in the love searching fool’s ointment. LaBier thinks that often, singles just keep finding new, slightly modified versions of the exes. In other words, we get screwed and then keep going back for more. An honest assessment of my past relationships confirms his theory. How about you?

But put your hands up, single ladies, because there is hope for us yet. Labier suggests we all make a relationship inventory:

- Make a list of all your meaningful past relationships.

- Write down what attracted you to that person and really think it through. Consider what your life was like at the time, what qualities you found attractive in the person and what you thought about love at the time.

- Describe what led to the break up.

- Write down what you learned from the relationship. Maybe you didn’t learn anything at the time, but looking back now you might be able to see some valuable lessons.

- Consider how those lessons can help you in future relationships.

Learning from lost loves may not take the sting out of a break up. But failed relationships can help us learn more about ourselves, what we can do better in future relationships, and what qualities are really important to look for in a partner (not to mention the qualities we want to avoid).